When love hurts: how to recognise a toxic relationship

It is not always easy to realise that we are in a relationship that is hurting us. Often, the strain appears gradually, disguised as jealousy "because I love you", criticism "for your own good" or prolonged silences that slowly become normal. And this is how, little by little, some relationships stop feeling safe and supportive and become a constant source of anxiety, fear or insecurity.

Not every conflict is abuse

"Toxic relationship" is an everyday expression, not a clinical diagnosis. It can help name a relationship that causes distress, but it is broad: it may refer either to a damaging dynamic sustained by both people or to psychological abuse and control exercised mainly by one person over the other. Treating these situations as if they were the same can lead us to minimise serious abuse or, in the opposite direction, to describe every argument as abusive.

Conflict is part of relationships. In a sufficiently safe relationship, however, people can disagree without fear, take responsibility, repair harm and retain the right to say no. The warning sign is not one isolated argument, but a pattern in which one person gains power while the other gradually loses freedom, voice or safety. Intimate partner violence can include physical and sexual aggression, but also psychological abuse and controlling behaviours.^[1]

Contrary to what many people imagine, a harmful relationship does not have to involve shouting or physical violence. It may be a succession of small gestures, words and attitudes that, taken together, erode self-esteem and distance a person from themselves. Research links psychological abuse in relationships with symptoms of anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress, although the quality of the evidence and the ways these experiences are measured vary between studies.^[2]

The pattern matters more than one incident

Often, one of the first signs is isolation. A person begins to spend almost all their time with their partner and gradually moves away from family, friends, hobbies and important parts of their life. Sometimes that distance is encouraged or imposed: people close to them are criticised, making plans always leads to conflict, or anything outside the relationship is presented as a threat. The relationship stops being a place of shared freedom and becomes a kind of bubble.

There are also relationships in which criticism is constant. The partner devalues the other person’s efforts, mocks their tastes, minimises their achievements or makes comments that seem small but repeat until they begin to weigh heavily. There may be humiliation in private or in front of others, veiled threats, punishment through silence and rules that only one partner is allowed to set. Over time, the person learns to monitor the atmosphere and anticipate reactions rather than act spontaneously.

This is where the idea of coercive control can be useful. It does not describe a single act, but a pattern of domination involving restriction, monitoring, intimidation and control of everyday life. A question such as "who are you going out with?" is not, on its own, a sign of abuse. The problem begins when it becomes a constant demand for explanations and when saying no brings consequences. Research has linked exposure to these patterns with depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms and suicidal thoughts.^[3]

When control enters the phone and everyday life

Control may extend to clothing, friendships, work, money or access to health care.^[1] It can also continue through technology: demanding passwords, checking messages, requiring constant proof of location, installing surveillance apps, making repeated contact or threatening to share intimate images. Technology does not create abuse on its own; it can expand the presence and reach of a dynamic that is already seeking to remove autonomy.^[4]

In some relationships, the partner refuses to recognise their own mistakes and always blames the other person for whatever goes wrong. This lack of responsibility may come with emotional manipulation. The term gaslighting describes a persistent form of manipulation that distorts what happened until a person begins to distrust their own memory, perception or judgement. It is not the same as a disagreement, a different account of an event or an occasional lapse of memory.^[5]

In some cases, jealousy appears strongly. There may be unfounded accusations of cheating, constant suspicion and a sense of possession that has no place in a healthy relationship. Even when there is no lying or betrayal, living under permanent suspicion is exhausting and may lead a person to give more and more explanations to prove an innocence that is never accepted.

There are also relationships in which everything revolves around changing the other person, as if love were a project of "fixing" someone. The partner expects the person to change who they are, their body, their dreams, their friendships or what they value. But love should not require the loss of identity. An important question is not only "are there good moments?", but also "can I continue to be myself, make decisions and keep important relationships without fearing the other person’s reaction?"

Why leaving can be so difficult

Leaving a relationship that causes harm, or even recognising that one is in it, can be difficult. Many people feel shame, guilt, fear that they are exaggerating or hope that everything will return to how it was at the beginning. Moments of closeness and promises of change may coexist with episodes of control. Fear, financial dependence, housing, legal status, concern for children or distance from a support network make decisions even more complex. Staying, hesitating or returning does not mean consenting to the abuse or being responsible for it.

Separation also does not automatically resolve every psychological consequence and, in some situations, can temporarily increase the risk of stalking or violence. When there is fear, threat or coercive control, it is therefore unhelpful to reduce the response to "just leave" or to suggest confrontation without support. What matters most is restoring room for choice and considering the person’s safety, pace and practical circumstances.^[6]

Seeking support without having to decide everything immediately

You do not need to have everything worked out before you begin to talk. A conversation with someone you trust can help counter isolation. Psychological support can offer a space to understand the pattern, regain trust in your own perceptions and think about boundaries and possibilities without imposing a decision. When there is violence, threats, stalking or fear for your safety, specialist domestic abuse support should be part of that process.

In Portugal, the Domestic Violence Victim Information Service is available free of charge, 24 hours a day, on 800 202 148; you can also text 3060.^[7] In immediate danger, call 112.^[8] If you suspect digital monitoring, look for information on a device the other person cannot access, whenever doing so is possible and safe.

If parts of this text feel familiar, remember: you are not alone. Each person has their own pace, but everyone deserves a relationship with respect, freedom and genuine affection. You do not have to accept less than a love that is good for you.

Reviewed on 27 September 2026.